Monday, December 2, 2024

Cheesy Jokes and Serious Thoughts for Christmas

What has four legs, a red nose and flies? Rudolf the Red-Nosed Roadkill.

What is Frosty's favorite dinner?

Spaghetti and snowballs.

Where doe Santa keep his red suit? In his Santa Clauset.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Earl.

Earl who?

Earl I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

Why does Santa use reindeer to pull his sleigh?

Because the elephants kept crashing through the roof.

What is the best Christmas carol in the Twilight movies?

I'm Dreaming of a Bite Christmas.

What has a red suit, a white beard and rows of razor sharp teeth? Santa Jaws.

What would you call your wedding anniversary if it was December 25th?

A Marry Christmas.

Who had a beard, webbed feet and wrote "A Christmas Carol?"

Charles Duckens.

What do you call being caught in a chimney with a fat man?

Santa Claustrophobia.

What happened when the family cat swallowed some tinsel?

He needed a tinselectomy.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Anna.

Anna who?

Anna partridge in a pear tree.

Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What is Santa's favorite American state?
Idaho-ho-ho.

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.

Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary.

This is for English teachers.
Q: What do you call Santa's Helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses

What is the snowman’s breakfast?
Answer: Frosted flakes!

How do snowmen greet each other?
Answer : Ice to meet you!

You just had to know eventually I would get to the funny cat pics.

Now for the serious talk. Christmas is a full on holiday--it smells good (catch that scent from the cinnamon pine cones?), looks sparkly and cute (lights up again), feels cozy (snuggly blankets in front of the fire with hot cocoa or wassail), tastes yummy (yeah, bite the head off that gingerbread man!), sounds great (all types of music singing cheer and closeness and holiday, etc.) It is entertaining with endless gifts, movies and music and fun.

Except for that annoying bell the Salvation Army persists in ringing at the front of stores. That is so annoying to be bugged to give to the less fortunate. The homeless, or impaired, or orphaned--is that my business?

Shouldn't we have a right not to have them bug us? Isn't that the separation of church and state? I don't need all that Jesus stuff at this holiday, like giving to the poor, or kindness to strangers if I don't wish to. Peace and forgiveness. That's my business. Condemnation for behavior that's nobody's business but mine. And I shouldn't have to be reminded on a public street. At school Jesus and all that radical Christian stuff has been eradicated. When can I finally have a secular holiday?

Well, first of all the very word holiday is rooted from holyday. A day to meditate on the spiritual side of life. Christmas means Christ worship in the old days. He is still memorialized as the greatest teacher who ever lived, the proclaimer of brotherhood, kindness and conscience. All the major religions admire him. Why is he considered so irritating to some Americans?

He was an all or nothing sort of person. You were with him or not. He was who he said he was or not. No in between. Forgiveness, purity, mercy. Very, very hard precepts. It is hard to hang with Jesus. Its all or nothing with Christ.

Students in public schools who profess Christianity are in danger of having their civil rights violated by some administrators and staff who find the message of Christ to be very irritating--not only those horrendous ten commandments, but that part about not lusting or lying and giving to the poor and such. These leaders will nail kids for even saying, 'Merry Christmas.'

Not much holiday spirit there. Or tolerance. I've observed it first hand towards kids and staff. I was told even playing Handel's Messiah was against the separation of church and state. So, I chose to play it anyway, thinking you have to take a stand sometimes. Might as well be Handel. No problems arose. No lawsuits.

It is our obligation as a democracy to extend tolerance to all. Even the annoying, I-Am-The-Only-Way Jesus, and his followers.

Sunday, November 17, 2024

Cheesy Jokes and Serious Thoughts About Thanksgiving

This is probably my favorite cheesy joke of all time.

Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving? The couldn't fit the moose in the oven.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Take him out for pizza and ice cream.
What did the turkey say to the hunter? Quack! Quack! Quack!

Teacher: Where did the Pilgrims come from? Student: Their parents, of course.

Time for a little serious talk about the Pilgrims. Let's delineate: they were not the Puritans. It was the Puritans and Henry VIII-inspired later purges that began the 'off with their head' programs that sent the Pilgrims, and groups like them, to the Netherlands, and later, to Virginia (woops, Plymouth Rock.) The Pilgrims were in search of religious freedom, and not only accepted help from the Wampanoag tribe--local Native Americans--but intermarried with them over the next few generations because so many of the Pilgrim group died the first year after they arrived in 1620. Many members of the Pilgrims left Massuchusetts during the Puritan's religious purges, like the Salem Witch Trials, and went to Rhode Island. The English have a dynamic history of religious freedom, for example, William Tyndale who translated the Bible into the English language and was martyred as a rebel. We have religious freedom now due to this legacy. Thousands of Americans have genetic ties to the Pilgrims (DNA evidence now shows) and that information is something to treasure. Now we live the liberty for ourselves and offer it to others.

What kind of music did the Pilgrims play?
Plymouth Rock and Roll.

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks.

What do you call the dirt on a Pilgrim's hands?
Pilgrime.

What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a spooky spirit?
A poultrygeist.

What's brown and white and flies all over?
A turkey when you carve it with a chainsaw.

How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
One, but you really have to squeeze him in.

Q: What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
A: Your nose.

Why did the glutton get a traffic ticket on Thanksgiving?
He was exceeding the feed limit.

Grandma: What would you like for dessert, Joey?
Joey: Pumpkin pie!
Grandma: Pumpkin pie, what, dear? Say the magic word.
Joey: I'm sorry, Grandma. Pumpkin pie, abracadabra!

What is Math teachers favorite part of Thanksgiving dinner?
Pumpkin Pi.

Knock, knock, who's there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur any leftovers?

What would you get if you crossed Easter and Thanksgiving?
Feaster Sunday.

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving?
A tur-key, of course.

This is my second favorite cheesy joke of all time.

Sunday, October 20, 2024

Cheesy Jokes and Serious Thoughts for Halloween

Pumpkin carving as fine art: The Headless Horseman

This holiday is very controversial; not only does it offend many family's religious convictions (they may believe it is glorifying the 'dark side') but the images and stories are really scarey and icky, even for adults.

You don't have to believe in the supernatural to be offended or freaked out by Halloween. The concentration on aberrant behavior is enough to be unsettling. What might we do to take the edge off of the disturbing aspects of Halloween?

All children go through various developmental levels (Piaget's theory of cognitive development http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piaget%27s_theory_of_cognitive_development) and it is possible to create an experience appropriate for the child's development. It is not easy, particularly if you live in the modern world, but with effort, a classroom and a family experience can be healthy for a child. For example, even though I enjoy the television show, 'Grimm," it is really not for young children. The episode, La Llorona, will freak out millions of folks, Hispanic or not. Another urban legend I have learned to never mention in class is Bloody Mary; the kids are truly scared. And what's the point of that? ELA classes can study folklore and Edgar Alan Poe without being traumatized.

How about the Simpson's version? I think Edgar would have enjoyed it.

The-Raven-by-Edgar-Allan-Poe

Bart always cracks me up as the raven.

Many families, school, and community groups concentrate on Harvest Festivals. That is a fine contrast to the ghastly. But even if you choose a study of nature, for example, spiders are freaky. Most are just helpful little garden buddies, but there are some dangerous ones. Kids need to know. Same with bats, and various birds. Around here we have huge ravens; I see them with their beady eyes focused on my chihuahua.

So we temper the fun, the imaginative, the quaint qualities of this season with supervision and wisdom. If you feel your child's school is offending your family's sensibilities--tell the principal. Tell the superintendent. You and your child have rights, especially when it comes to the quality of the school community activities. Offer an alternative. Autumn and harvest time (in the northern hemisphere) offers very lovely opportunities for art and activities. You could skip the dark side and go straight to Thanksgiving.

And don't forget, 'It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!' http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It%27s_the_Great_Pumpkin,_Charlie_Brown

Here's a download: http://www.fanpop.com/spots/halloween/videos/67218/title/peanuts-cartoon-great-pumpkin-charlie-brown

So, where are the jokes? These are just riddle-diculous.

You can actually buy this in NYC.

Did you hear about the new ice cream for monsters?

Its called cookies and scream.

This is a pic of an actual CookiesNScream Sundae.

Knock, knock, who's there?

Ivan.

Ivan who?

Ivan to bite your neck.

Where did Mzteachuh take the ghost for lunch?

Pizza Haunt.

Why isn't he purple?

Where do werewolves stay on vacation?

The Howliday Inn.

Where does the Wolfman live?

In a werehouse.

Also, my classes used to play 'Name that Tune' with 'Elvira Presents Haunted Hits' just to be very silly. Once we won a decorating contest with our classroom door covered with original panels and comic style story of the Purple People Eater. (Was the People Eater Purple, or did he eat purple people? Inquiring minds want to know.)

And Drac finally got with it.